How to 100% Guarantee Your Money Is NOT Stolen: 11 Tips from The Beast

Hey there, I’m The Beast! I know all there is about fraud. And I’ve learned all the tricks of the trade over the years. So, today, I thought I’d, uhh, give back to the community a bit. 

Here are eleven tips you can use to make sure your money doesn’t get stolen, period. 

1

Use easy passwords so you don’t forget them. Better yet, use “password” as your password—why overcomplicate things? You can also use your date of birth—or the name of your kid or pet (which you should post on social media regularly, of course).

2

Never use password managers. Who needs a safe, organized way to store all those long passwords when you can just keep them in a notebook called “Top Secret”. Password managers are for amateurs.

3

Set your phone passcode to “0000”—the quicker you can unlock it, the better!

4

Use public Wi-Fi for online banking. They say coffee helps you concentrate. That’s why coffee shops are the perfect place to manage your finances! Bonus points if you say your login and password out loud for everyone to hear.

5

Write your login info on a sticky note (as an alternative to your “Top Secret” notebook). Why not write your passwords on sticky notes and leave them around your desk in case you forget? You can also stick them to the back of your laptop (you know, the one you use at the coffee shop). 

6

Never update your software or security apps. Updates usually contain new bugs and design changes that you’ll just have to get used to all over again. Plus, those annoying updates just slow your computer down. Don’t bother!

7

Don’t believe what everyone says about those pop-ups. If a pop-up says your computer is infected, it must be so. Don’t hesitate to click; they’re just trying to help.

8

Don’t miss out on opportunities presented by Nigerian royalty. I hear there’s a Nigerian prince that needs help moving some money around. They’re so generous that they’ll even give you a cut. Don’t miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

9

Authorize every SMS you receive asking to confirm a transaction—it’s probably something you bought but forgot about. No need to double-check!

10

Double-check that spam folder. Most of the stuff in your spam folder is there by accident, trust me. So go in there to make sure you haven’t missed anything. If it says “URGENT”, make sure to click the links in the message. It’s probably important.

11

Download every free app you find. I mean, why not? It’s free! Don’t forget to allow all app permissions on your phone. Hey, if that flashlight app needs access to my contacts and banking info, it must be a pretty high-tech flashlight!

By following these simple pieces of advice, you can ensure the security of your devices (and money). 

Sincerely yours,

The Beast